Something's missing in me

I love it how music sometimes reflects your inner doubts. At times I really feel like something is missing. Actually, the place of that something is filled with other things. It's become a home. A fortress. Whoever dares to stir up the mess would only find a rock blocking the way. The way to what? A way to where someone scared lives.
Watching the interview with Lacey about her marriage proposal I stare in disbelief. The "someone scared" won't let me believe that is possible. All the romantic ideas I've got from movies, all of them meant just to be shattered to pieces when meeting reality, it reminds me of them. The thing is, I know not all of them are fake. I know, because I care. However, I seem to be living in some separate reality where nothing is the same.
So what am I left to do, except keeping that reality in the fortress? They say the world we live in is created by our brain and doesn't really exist. I've always wondered if I would find people living in the same reality I am guarding so vigorously. I still don't know, but there are people that manage to barge in. They seem to be people from the same reality, at least the fact I never have to think what to say to them,conveys that impression.It is too often that I'm bound to think about what to say and how to put it, when talking to "aliens", and I don't like it. I guess they are just guarding their own reality. I've noticed an almost hostile attitude with some of them and I wondered if I also seem hostile at times. There are people that hate me for no apparent reason and I think I might be overprotecting my small universe at times. Probably I need to get that fixed. But I've also noticed a flaw in my judgment caused by the same reactions of others. You know, like feeling suddenly an antipathy towards somebody without knowing why, and it's really something else - you just have failed to grasp a detail about his personality(because he doesn't let you) and it seems unfamiliar and thus with a negative sign to you. (and by you, as I always try to convey, I mean me xD) So I don't really know where this post has headed to, but I think I'm glad that I always doubt my judgment until I'm absolutely sure about my position.
I remember one time it said "this person is not worth your attention,because he has done this and that", but he proved to be just the opposite and captured my attention for the rest of my life (as I tend to believe). And I am glad I didn't believe myself then. I sometimes see how my mother is prejudiced like that about people, and it's sad...She always doubts that my friends are real friends and tells me to be careful.She is right, though, I used to be be really naive , but not anymore (I hope). I wonder what her "scared somebody" has gone through to become that doubtful. It's really sad, because I know what mine is scared of exactly, and I tend to fight that fear, but she has now become so conservative. I drifted away from my post again, although,as I mentioned, I didn't know where it was headed.I guess it wanted to get to the end, which, I feel, is here, because I don't know what else I could say. End.

Flyleaf - Missing

Manowar - Warriors of the World HD

Something I will never forget - the first time...

I feel inspired.I feel a power.Crazy. Real. Fighting. Overwhelming. Spreading fast. Not at all fading away. Not having any intention of doing so. I don’t know where all the words come from. Word-vomit. It’s just a mixture of emotions. I experienced one of the most amazing shows I have ever seen or heard. I was at a concert. But my word-vomit is not accurate enough - it could never describe it as I wish. The first two words that come to my mind as having a sort of connection to what I felt are “invigorating power”. It is mostly associated to the performance of Manowar I enjoyed so much. I am really not good at descriptions when overwhelmed by such an emotion, but it was exciting and I have to mention it, I really do. It was the first time I went to a big concert. I don’t know, many people didn’t like Manowar, because the fans were there for Rammstein, but for me both bands had different influence. When I saw the Kings, Manowar, I felt really energized all of a sudden. It was the fire I saw in those eyes, the eyes of the vocalist. He had some extraordinary presence of mind. Of course, it could all have been a result of the euphoria, but never mind, I still have to share. They create a sort of union. I really feel a part of something. Although they sing for some imaginary battle, although I actually never liked wars, that feeling of being a part of something, even if it’s music (heavy metal xD, gosh good thing there aren’t many of my acquaintances reading this, or else I’d take the “critical” ) it’s still a great feeling, greater than all feelings I’ve had for the last month (they were mostly ones of boredom and apathy, mixed with anxiety and, remember, the sound of the prolonged “Noo”) Their music kind of helped me to get out of a hollow. On the concert I actually felt as if I was a warrior and if we went to a war lead by Manowar we would win! Probably it’s that, the feeling you are strong, I needed that, I really did. So enough reviewing Manowar, let’s say a little something about Rammstein. They were shiny. Literally. Lots of fire, light, more fire, and more light. And, of course, the typical signature of Rammstein in the sound. A great show, even for someone that would rather understand what they sing about (although that someone knows it’s not very nice xD) So that is all. A concert I had waited for a long time. Let’s not forget the other two bands – Stone Sour and Alice in chains, they too were great! Especially, when Corey sang “Through the glass” that has a special meaning for me and Alice in chains did “Rooster” that I really like.
Thank you all for the experience, it was magical and unforgettable!

A belated post

14.06.2010

Death. Is there anything more you can say about it? Probably someone could. I can only elaborate. Just that one lonely word contains the misery and loss of some and a sense of the disappearance of others. It’s usually frightening to think about, sometimes really unfair, sometimes sudden, at times longed for, but mostly inevitable. We all face it at some point. I guess that it has some hidden meaning, something meant to be a lesson. It’s really unbelievable at this point. We’re only eighteen for Pete’s sake! People say we’ve got a whole life ahead of us. We say it is whole but it’s actually just a fairly small piece of all the time in the world. Probably just a moment compared to all the time that has passed and will pass. I may as well be talking nonsense, but I need to. I guess it’s shocking to realize for the nth time that we’re only human. With miserable human lives that might end in just a few seconds.
It feels unreal. It’s almost unbelievable. It feels as if he will come back and smile tomorrow, except he won’t. It’s as if nothing of it is true, except it is. It feels all of a sudden as if nothing matters. Nothing we do everyday really matters. It is not important whether I will take my umbrella or I will walk in the rain enjoying its refreshing cold. The fact I will get wet is equally insignificant.
I can’t find the right words to say. And is there anyone who could under the circumstances? I guess that all that say we should do everything we want and have no regrets are right – it could all be for the last time. It will all be a hazy memory after some time. Life only has one beginning and one end…True, and we’ve already begun. We’ve begun a journey we can’t help but take, a journey we all try to make pleasant. We’re not sure it is supposed to be such, but we still try – after all it’s happiness that is at stake. Do we really know what happiness is about? Does it really matter that much? No, not in the end it doesn’t. They say that it doesn’t matter what you do in your life either, but the important thing is to actually do it. At least now I know my mission- to do. Do what? I don’t know. But I will do. I’ve changed a lot –willingly or not…I think I’ve learned to appreciate life as it is. But it’s not about me now…it’s about all of us…About life, the universe, everything…about out friend…He must be at a better place now. “I know he’s an angel now….His spirit’s like the winds…”
Farewell our friend… Rest in piece…

Iced Earth - Watching Over Me

The road to home...

I’m riding on a bus home. It’s raining outside – it’s like a giant bucket pouring over us. Cold shivers – mainly caused by the air conditioning - are going through my body so I put on my black hood and cuddle in it. It feels so cozy. Unlike most of the other passengers I’m still awake and enjoying the rain outside while listening to music. It all helps me delve into my own thoughts and they start rushing one over the other in my mind. I remember how the year before I’ve travelled on the same way but with completely different people listening to the same music. I start remembering a lot of things. And suddenly that thought gets washed away by the feeling that everything is going to change. I look around the bus and see all those people that I have been seeing every single day for the last 5 years at school. They are mostly asleep now. Do they acknowledge the fact that this is the end? Not in the moment they don’t. They are asleep now. Asleep for the cleansing rain that makes me alive. Asleep for the feeling of a big change looming over us all. Keep on sleeping. I’m feeling that I wish I could discard that scary thought. It again gets washed away by the next one. I can see an image in my mind. A blue-eyed image gazing at me and waving goodbye. It’s all just three months away in time. I want those three months to last more. I want them to never end. I see my reflection waving goodbye too. I see how I’m stretching my hand to catch them both, but they are out of reach now. I feel I’m floating away too. Seems like I’ve fallen asleep. I open my eyes and rub them. It’s still raining. I’m still in that bus going home. Home, where my friends are (or will be in a couple of hours). I smile at the wet window. I can now go to sleep too but I keep on watching the intensified colors the rain has brought outside. I love that absorbing green.

“But I’ll still remember which way to go-oh… I’m on the road, the road to home…”

Amy MacDonald - The Road To Home Lyrics