Nooooo...

My mind is still playing the slow-motioned sound of ‘Nooo’. It really sounds like my stomach has been taken by some imaginary hands squeezed tightly and than stuffed into a box, too small to contain it and too far away in time to deliver the sound of ‘Noo’ properly. The sound surely tells a lot. Funny how, just one word could mean a lot of things. It could mean I am scared to move on to future. It could mean I’m afraid that time is slipping away. It could mean that the moments I wish I had lived through have passed away and now I’m left with empty moments. It could mean that the moments about to come would be shoved away in the same simplistically thoughtful manner that aims only to relieve the peculiar sense of “Ha, I was right and you were wrong!”, when actually this doesn’t even make me happy in the least bit. It could mean I would go away and forget. It could mean I don’t want to let a part of me leave hundreds of kilometers away. It would mean that I don’t want them all to forget about me, but mostly it would mean that my stomach is stuffed with those things (no, not butterflies, damn I wish they were…) …those things that keep squeezing it from the inside (yes, it seems that the term imaginary hands is quite inaccurate, because the squeezing comes from the inside) and reminding me of the limited time I have to spend with my closest friends until the time of departure comes. This will be full of moments I want to remember, and the sound of “Noo” is there just to remind me that I should not miss a thing of those few months. And still, ‘Noo’ is also standing also for “No, I don’t want to go to Sunny Beach and feel miserable, because, well I don’t know why exactly”. It’s standing for “NO! Damn it, NO! You shouldn’t do that, even if you want to, even on the stupid Ball that makes everybody go crazy, and you’d have an excuse. NO, sorry, NO excuses!” A prolonged ‘Noo’ that consists of hundreds of No’s in my life. At first it was born as an “Aaaa” sound, but it took the more familiar, and uncompromising sound of the prolonged ‘No’. My mom sometimes thinks I’m crazy when I stand there, move the dishes from the table to the sink, and create a quiet humming of the prolonged ‘Noo” sound. What’s so crazy about it if it keeps you relieved? Anyways, as strange as it may sound it does keep me relieved. I sometimes want them to here that ‘Noo’.

“Noo, they are going to celebrate how I finish school while I celebrate how I will finish school and all they ever do is talk about that, Noo”

“Noo, she is going to leave, and leave me here, and come back occasionally, and then stop coming back, and then start forgetting, and then forget, while in the meantime I would grow older and become more hollow and/or not know where I am, Noo”

“Noo, I AM going to leave, and leave him here and come back occasionally, and seeing him, and then stop seeing him when I come back occasionally, and then start forgetting, and then forget completely, while he, well, I don’t know while what, but it’s still, Noo”

“Noo, I am going to have a lot of exciting moments with new friends, and not with those I know and love and it creeps me out, because…well it just creeps me out so, Noo”

“Noo, I have to study for an exam, but I keep writing that “Noo” story and I will not do as good as I want to on that exam, Noo”

“Noo, nothing ever happens so that I start a prolonged “yes” instead of the mostly familiar prolonged “Noo”

“Noo, I shouldn’t continue writing this, but there’s just one Noo I’d like to add, Noo”

“Noo, all of my friends will be away from me , or should I say I will be away from all of my friends in just a few months time, and they will forget about me- both my closest and the others,Noo”

So, I suppose these are only half the No’s that the prolonged “No” sound is trying to convey, but I should say that my stomach isn’t feeling any better, the things continue to squeeze it, (and I suppose they aim to strangle it), but at least now I know what they are – bits and boulders from a prolonged “Noo” sound.

‘Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…..’

IN FLAMES - FREE FALL

Free Fall

“Father time, every time I stop and feel, you’re there to tell me I’m already late…”

True story. Some people (like, for example, me) should stop thinking all the time and start feeling instead. Feeling should be a constant state, not occasional. By feeling people manage to seize the moment instead of losing it. Life should be all about moments and how people manage to capture a moment and live it to the fullest, rather than about future, past and etc… (what do I mean etc?! there is no etc after future and past, all that is left is the present moment…anyways…) In every day there’s at least one single moment that is worth noticing and experiencing with all your senses. We rarely take notice of those split seconds that can make our life feel purposeful again. I sometimes try to just merge myself within a few seconds of a pleasant moment and it makes my day.

I heard a really nice quote in a movie a long time ago about details and integrality. It went on similarly to this: “If you observe a picture from too close a distance you fail to see its purpose, but if you look at it from too far away you miss important details.” It’s what I always do, unfortunately. I either do one or the other - never reach the perfection of balance between the two. Well, I guess perfection is not easy to achieve – fact. But sometimes details are all you need just before you see the big picture. Big pictures scare the crap out of you (or at least me). It really manages to make you careful…even too careful about little things you do or don’t do. When you can see the big picture it’s a lot less harder to put a “stop-it-right-there” sign. The thing is, those signs are not always put where they belong, but you (and by you I mean me) keep on delivering them on all the wrong places thinking they should be there.

Like I said in the beginning - thinking is not always the best idea… But what if I stopped thinking? What if I destroyed those “stop-it-right-there” signs and concentrated on just a detail, a tiny little precious moment and lived it to the fullest? What would happen to the big picture? It’s all like this big vicious circle - like in time travel. You change a small detail – you change the big picture. Thing is, I seem to like the big picture. It’s strange how it could be so perfect, without all the details being perfect. But I guess that’s what makes it worth a change…false perfection isn’t an answer (just like Denial ain’t just some river in Egypt…) Oh, I probably sound a bit confused, but hey – a lot of great poets and writers sound that way. (Like for example Yavorov – ok, I admit he must have written, while led by some really strong feelings…but some of it seems mostly like pure…confusion!)

So, to return to where I started this…Father time is right, I’m utterly late, so I should concentrate on the big picture…But I’m sorry, this is a free fall, may as well turn out to be a merger within a moment of crazy with no signs interfering, rather than a constant “cut-it-out” message. Judge me.

Wind of change...

Днес ще бъда кратка...Думите просто ми се губят някъде измежду присвития стомах и буцата в гърлото ми...
Носталгия. Това място ще ми липсва. Хората ще ми липсват. Промяната не е изненадваща и въпреки това ме хваща неподготвена...може би защото всеки път, когато усетя тъпата болка придружена с присвиване в стомаха се самоизключвам и преминавам на автопилот в ежедневието си.
И все пак...всеки край е едно ново начало...

Scorpions - Wind Of Change